I love this from one of my FAVE relationship gurus Mort Fertel… if you have ever been told: “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” then you will definitely want to READ THIS!!!
What does that statement even mean?
A person who says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of concern. But it’s different than love. For example, I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them.
Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. For example, I am excited about having a relationship with the President of the United States but that doesn’t mean I love him.
While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves”. In fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because… who are they truly in love with?).
Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another person. Instead, it’s an experience you receive as a result of deed you do for another person.
And those deeds are not a secret.
In other words, love is not a mystery. There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (ie: gravity), there are also laws for relationships.
Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship will make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable… you can “make” love.
Very often someone will say to me, “I love my spouse, but I’m not in love with him / her.”
Mort’s immediate response is to ask, “Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you’ve DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?”
On the other end of the phone, Mort usually hears grunts, partial statements, and gasps for breath, but none of what he hears ever passes as a specific answer to his question.
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is a cop out.
It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting (leaving, ending-it, divorcing) to “get high” from another short-term romance. But whoever they think they are currently in love with will eventually hear…
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”