I Love You But…

I love this from one of my FAVE relationship gurus Mort Fertel… if you have ever been told: “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” then you will definitely want to READ THIS!!!

What does that statement even mean?

A person who says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you. 

CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of concern. But it’s different than love. For example, I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. 

Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. For example, I am excited about having a relationship with the President of the United States but that doesn’t mean I love him. 

While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves”. In fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because… who are they truly in love with?). 

Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another person. Instead, it’s an experience you receive as a result of deed you do for another person. 

And those deeds are not a secret.

In other words, love is not a mystery. There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (ie: gravity), there are also laws for relationships.

Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship will make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable… you can “make” love. 

Very often someone will say to me, “I love my spouse, but I’m not in love with him / her.” 

Mort’s immediate response is to ask, “Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you’ve DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?” 

On the other end of the phone, Mort usually hears grunts, partial statements, and gasps for breath, but none of what he hears ever passes as a specific answer to his question.

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is a cop out.

It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting (leaving, ending-it, divorcing) to “get high” from another short-term romance. But whoever they think they are currently in love with will eventually hear…

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

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Post by Ms. Mozelle Martin

Aiding & Abetting: Don’t Do It !

“Aiding & Abetting” was a huge issue that nearly tore our family apart even though it only went on for one month.

THANK GOD it’s been over for a very long time but I worked arm-in-arm with probation to bring that person to justice. Albeit not my family member who was the “runner”, it involved someone very close to me who I was trying to help educate so he would protect himself and his marriage. However, it was very frustrating for me because the person who was committing “A & A” would not listen to me when I tried to issue warnings and show proof, even though I have hung around law enforcement as my career for over 30 years. Ho-hum… you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. Plus “ignorance of the law” is NO excuse and holds ZERO power in the court system.

So I am sharing this information to help others avoid issues and also because “Aiding & Abetting” is a HUGE indicator of co-dependency.

Maybe YOU will know someone who needs (& may actually listen to)  this advice…

  • NEVER, EVER put your freedom on the line for someone running from the police, NO MATTER how much you LOVE the “runner”. Oftentimes, the BEST love is “tough love”.
  • NEVER be more invested in someone’s life than they are.

Now… WHAT IS A&A?

Aiding & Abetting (A&A) is an act that is committed while helping a person run from the law or helping protect or hide someone who is currently in the process of committing a crime. Although this should be obvious… “YES, running from the law IS a crime!”

In fact, YOU could be charged with aiding and abetting (& more) if you have knowledge of, or have *unknowingly* participated in, the crime in some way before and / or after the actual crime occurred… even if you did not know that specific person at the time of the crime… and even years after it was committed.

Keep in mind that if you KNOW someone is a “runner” and has a warrant, this is a choice THEY are making while YOU choose to put your freedom on the line.

HOW? Because “knowledge of a crime and not reporting it is also a crime in and of itself” (a crime that YOU are choosing to commit). So if you know someone is running from the law, do NOT help them!

HOW DO YOU COMMIT A&A?

Most of the time it is done *innocently* such as:

  • giving that individual money,
  • providing a hotel room for one or several nights,
  • car rides (yes, even if paying for Uber, Lyft, or a cab),
  • buying them a plane or bus ticket,
  • providing a couch to sleep on (even for a few hours), etc.

AIDING+AND+ABETTING+Aiding+and+abetting+is+a+theory+of+criminal+liability.Basically ANYthing that continues to help them “get by” or “survive on the streets” while they CHOOSE to continue eluding the law! In other words, they are busy making terrible choices and now have gotten YOU involved. Not only is them asking you to help unfair to you but… YOU CAN GET ARRESTED TOO. They know this but they do NOT care about you (only themselves) otherwise, they would not have asked you for help at all!!

Depending upon the state’s laws, penalties for “Aiding and Abetting” can include:

  • felony charges (criminal record),
  • up to LIFE in prison,
  • community service,
  • driver’s license suspension,
  • VERY large fines $$$$$,
  • loss of future employment & education opportunities,
  • loss of current job and / or occupational license,
  • loss of voting rights,
  • loss of gun-carrying rights,
  • probation, etc.
  • and you may lose your marriage and never see your children / grandchildren again.

Keep in mind, if it’s in multiple states YOU can face the same harsh penalties including multiple criminal / felony charges in ALL states (ie: aiding & abetting, harboring a fugitive, interfering with an investigation, etc.)

NOBODY’s – I repeat – NOBODY’S bad choices are worth YOU losing your life or freedom for. The VERY BEST thing you can do is have NO contact with the “runner” at all, and NEVER lie to the police (which can add even more charges). The 2nd BEST thing you can do when the “runner” contacts you is say, “I love you but I cannot help you. You need to turn yourself in” OR if they call and insist that you pick them up, say “yes” but do NOT pick them up. I realize this is deceptive but ultimately you will be doing them a favor! So instead of picking them up, immediately call the police / probation officer and give them the “runners” location. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING (audio is even better and there are free apps such as this one) because that documentation could keep you out of jail!

That’s not all… getting arrested would be minor compared to what could happen to you such as:

  • YOU COULD GET KILLED by police if they catch you with the “runner” and the “runner” is uncooperative… just by getting caught in the cross-fire.
  • YOU COULD GET KILLED by non-police if your “runner” has some enemies (and most likely does), and *they* find him first.

Bottom line is… do NOT take chances.

Finally, you should already know this but let me remind you anyway… often, the BEST help is absolutely NONE at all.

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Post by Ms. Mozelle Martin

 

Are You a Yeah-Butter?

It started back in the 1990s when I received new Clinical Graphology clients. Those who said, “I’m going to try this program” were not committed.

Not only were these clients deceiving me (albeit unintentional), they were deceiving themselves. You see, when I heard them say, “I’ll try”, what I really heard was, “I am giving myself permission to not follow-through. I am giving myself permission to fail”.

Sure enough, those people did not engage with the process in the exact way they were instructed. In essence, they chose to fail, and then justified their failure by saying, “Well, I tried, but the program didn’t work for me.”

NO, YOU DIDN’T – YOU DID NOT TRY.

THE PROGRAM DID WORK FOR YOU – YOU DIDN’T WORK FOR YOU!

People who achieve their goals commit to the “I will” and “I do” types of phrases. As the saying goes, “Do or do not. There is no try.”

Have you ever been married before? If so, remember the time you got to the altar and expected your soon-to-be spouse to say “I do”? What if s/he would have said “I’ll try” instead? How confident would you have felt about spending the rest of your life with that person? That sure would show a lack of commitment, wouldn’t it?

So if you would not say “I’ll try” to a person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, why would you say “I’ll try” to yourself? Don’t you love yourself more than anyone else? Well, whether you do or not is really irrelevant because either way, the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is YOU!

If you have never been married, have you ever dated or known someone who was emotionally distant or had a fear of intimacy or fear of commitment? It’s the same thing… when you entered into a relationship with that individual – whether as a friend or lover – s/he was behaviorally saying “I’ll try”. Again, how confident did that make you feel? I’m sure you would agree that also shows a lack of commitment.

Next, think of the old habits we try to integrate or replace with new habits.

How many times have you said something like this?

· “I’m going to try to eat healthier”

· “I really have to try exercising more”

· “I need to at least try to make more money this year”

· “I am trying to be a better listener”

· “I want to try….”

How many of times have you failed? Probably more times than you’d like to admit.

WHY?

Because saying “try” gives you permission to not follow-through and to fail”.

So what can you do instead of saying “I’ll try”?

Commit to taking an ACTION STEP.

Maybe the action step is signing up for another self-help program, reading a new self-help book, or attending a powerful workshop. Whatever it is… go for it!

I know, I know… you’ve tried all of that before and nothing changed.

There are a couple main reasons for this:

(1) You didn’t follow-through with what you were guided to do. Experts who create a program or write a self-help book tend to do so in a way they know works. If you sign up for their program or read their book, it’s because you want change. That means you should follow it exactly as provided. If you don’t, please take responsibility and be accountable… it is cowardly and childish to blame the product or service.

(2) You aren’t quite ready for the change you’ve been trying to achieve. That’s totally okay… there will be more opportunities to try. What I mean is, you can hear the same thing over and over for years from various people and you may say “the timing was just not right”. In truth, the clock, days, weeks, months, or years that have passed you by has nothing to do with it. Instead, you are either ready or you are not ready but, until you are ready and fully committed to taking an action step and fully following the process, nothing will change.

So in the meantime, are you continuing to waste your precious time?

As Dr. Laura Schlessinger would ask, “Between now and dead, is this how you want your life?” I only ask that because excuses are abundant; there will always be something trying to sabotage your success if you allow it. It may be a person, lifestyle, finances, beliefs, doubts, worries, etc.

I know, I know… change is easier said than done. This is true. However, I would bet that you have known what you’ve needed to do for a very long time but found a way to distract yourself instead. When it’s something you want to do, you jump right in. But those are usually the fun or safe options, the ones that help you avoid your inner turmoil and pain. Yet, when it’s something you have to do – even if you believe in it – you dodge it like a bullet.

As long as you allow your mind to justify the excuses you come up with, you will continue immersing yourself in a bathtub full of self-sabotage.

I have a question…

Are you a YEAH BUTT’er ?

One of my pet peeves is hearing “yeah, but…”

Someone very close to me used to love asking me for advice. Every single time without fail, when I provided her with very realistic, affordable (usually free), and powerful options, she responded with “yeah, but…”

Last time she did this I responded with, “Are you asking me so you can actually reach out to these resources, or are you asking just so you can say “yeah but” to me one last time?”

Needless to say, she no longer asks.

So yes, there will always be reasons as to why you can’t, shouldn’t, won’t succeed, should wait for a bit, or should just give up. But if you continue this way, you are inviting more of the same into your life… the very things you have been trying to change.

Now if the current situation is working for you… awesome. Um, but then… why are you reading this?

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Post by Ms. Mozelle Martin